I Don't Want To Go
Written in my Notes app 8/2/24
I’m staring at a casket at the foot of a grave labeled Royal Demeriez Brown. The man you once knew is being put to rest now, but I don’t want to go.
I cherish this not perfect me, the one who is a child in mind and emotion, stuck in rabbit holes.
Bouncing around the world like I can do anything. A formless existence that wants to be unbound forever but the world pushes me to form, killing the spirit.
Why must I change why can’t I be this me why do i deny it’s poison. I cling to the past living it in the present. My eyes only see pain regret from the half life I sowed.
No one will mourn this current me if he never really existed, I have only been a presence like lightning; striking but forgettable until I strike again.
Those I struck carry burns of this false me, I lie in their life book as a lover or friend who abandoned them as the winds gusts me away like a storm.
I am collapsing now somehow I am in the casket, the pallbearers are watching me now. One as face that's an upside down smile, a boy who is in blue, a woman who skin is stained in the stench of peaches, a Kirin whose head is in the clouds, and teen with webs covering his face, A red figure with a skull mask with a tear drop under his eye, a man who is but a hoard of butterflies, and a dandelion man who’s half petal have seed.
The casket is beginning to close as I see a glimpse of something beyond their oddities forming as it closes, an amalgamation. Darkness encases me now as the sound of dirt crashes against the frame of my resting place. Then it stops. There is only me in the darkness, with this bubbly feeling in my stomach. I feel warmed by my anxiousness then it grows cold. There is only now, no past, no future. Just this me fading into a ego's death.
