I See You For I Am You

Little background information for this entry. I was facing alot of stress at the time and went to a scho0l counselor. From her perspective she perceived me as being pretty well adjusted although i was overthinking and not being good at setting boundaries. This writing was my perspective at the time on the matter at the time trying to get the why.

3/ 7/ 2024

I am at my weakest. Exhausted and fatigued from doing “The Right Thing.” A peer tells me I am too nice, too kind. I guess Aristotle would say I am in excess and not the mean. My counselor Priscilla tells me to have boundaries to say “No”. But who will say yes to my no?

So many people depend on me, and no one steps up like i do. I put my all, I give my all no matter how mundane the task or ask. This is my weakness giving my all because deep down I want the same. I want someone to lean on to depend on but for me it seems all I have is people messes to clean, work to do, and debts that aren’t mine.

Deep in this weak despair I see now how unhealthy I am. Although I am high functioning and my plight is one I am good at hiding I am sick in the mind nonetheless. I always thought I was existing on some higher ground that my pain was meaningful and not constructs of the mind. I think of how my last love was sick like me and how i shamed her for it. I see now that we were one in the same both broken but she couldn’t see mine. I hid it so well until everything fell apart as it happens in cycles in intense highs and intense lows.

I look at people as sick addicts trapped in this world distracting themselves. I do the same. I work hard for others ignoring my inner voice the spirit that wants freedom but I silence that urge by willingly taking on obligations I don’t have to take. I believe in this ideal of making a better world that my actions create the status quo but reality says otherwise, this world doesn’t exist off my minds ideals, it has rules and paradigms that move its system. It’s a system that makes you think that doing good and being kind is your choice for your own ends and not for the system.

I am like everyone else a sick tool in the system. I see it and I am aware of which makes me sicker than the rest. I am a spectator in this game and I see you for I am you. I am not special nor am I free or existing on a higher plane because If I was truly free of the mind I wouldn’t be this weak and cowardly to stand for myself and what I believe. I wouldn’t be this exhausted, unfulfilled, trapped, inauthentic, and unstable.

I wonder then why can’t anyone else see it. All they see is greatness in the making, potential being realized, a diamond in the rough. I guess only I can hear the inner voice under the fear that moves me. Only I feel the shame and selfishness in every “Selfless act.” I am the one who chose this life I have the power to change it but I am scared to take a risk to dare cross the unknown, the unseen. I have worries on my mind ingrained from a unfair life, habits that have tainted my conviction to free myself. Willingly lynched unlike my ancestors because I can’t overcome the scars it has around my neck.

So why don’t you see me for I am you. I am weak, addicted to distraction, prone to procrastination, silenced my hesitation, pride-less with no direction. I am you can’t you see? How pitiful and in need I am. My acts of kindness are but silent cries. My speaking up is just a front to hide my loneliness and appear in control.

I hear you for I am you. I feel you for I am you. I mind you for I am you. I see you for I am you. So which of you can hear me for you are me. Feel me for you are me. Mind me for you are me. See me for you are me.

I am just like you as you are just like me; Lost.